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The Top 10 Fears and Stages of Change

"Change has a bad reputation in our society. But it isn't all bad - not by any means. In fact, change is necessary in life - to keep us moving...to keep us growing...to keep us interested...to keep us growing. Imagine life without change. It would be static...boring...and dull. When people feel stuck and frustrated, it is often their fear of change that is causing the problem. When that fear is too strong - as it is in the workplace today - people are afraid to change. That is because they are under great stress and feel out of control. There are five major fears of change, ranked below according to impact and five major stages of change ranked according to difficulty." -Dr. Dennis O'Grady

1. Fear of the Unknown

Why do men fear committing to a romantic relationship? Why does taking a new job seem scary? We are most at ease when we are completely familiar with our surroundings and sure of what the future holds for us. As a result, fear of the unknown can paralyze us.

2. Fear of Failure

Typical questions you might ask yourself are: "What if, after I try it, it doesn't work out and I look foolish? Won't I be a laughingstock?" People expect to get everything right the first time, instead of taking their time to work things out and getting them right at some time.

3. Fear of Commitment

This fear is why people don't set firm goals or accomplish what they set out to do. They are afraid to focus on what they want out of life. The excuse they use is that they will be trapped. Instead, people should be honest with themselves and commit to a few simple and heartfelt goals - what they really dream of doing.

4. Fear if Disapproval

Some might call this the fear of rejection. Typical question: "What if I commit myself to my goals and people disapprove?" Often when people make positive changes, their friends, family and business associates say "I liked you better the way you were." I call these changeback pressures. If you change, somebody will likely disapprove. Usually several people in your social network feel this way. You will learn very quickly who your false friends are and who is truly on the side of your self-esteem.

5. Fear of Success

Typical questions: "If you're successful, are people going to dislike you? Think you're stuck up?" We are all incredibly afraid of appearing selfish and egotistical to others. When people get through the changes and they are feeling good, they sometimes feel guilty for feeling good. People often trace this guilt back to being taught that they are selfish and egotistical for taking care of themselves.

6. The Stage of Crisis

You feel you've got to change or else. You're backed into a corner. It may be a business crisis...or a personal crisis. This sense of crisis - usually very emotional - is a wake-up call, telling you that you are confronting a need for change.

7. The Stage of Hard Work

This is the stage that most people enjoy. Often this involves hard mental work. You may take classes, read books, network with business contacts, etc. There is a sense of control in this stage - you're working hard trying to figure out the solution to the crisis.

8. The Stage of Tough Decision

Then you reach the stage where you must make a difficult decision. This stage isn't easy, but it's a relief. You feel glad that you're making a commitment. Because you're choosing a direction, there is a sense that just making the commitment will free you. So there is usually a feeling of optimism at this point.

9. The Stage of Unexpected Pain

At this stage you are doing the right things but getting the wrong results. You are tempted to give up on your goal - and unfortunately a lot of people do - because you're feeling awful about your failings. During this stage, people frequently don't realize that they've made positive changes, so they stop growing. Thousands of times, people quit when success is right around the corner. It may take every creativebone in your body to drag yourself forward. But it's a shame that after all the hard work in the first three stages, the unexpected setback cause us to quit. We give up and don't finish the change. The the resentment sets in. But when we don't change, we are left with depression, rejection and, most noticibly, anger. Usually if you just crawl forward a few more steps from where you've been knocked down, you will be able to reach the next stage.

10. The Stage of Joy and Integration

In this stage, the changes are truly a part of your life. You realize you are happy about the changes you have made, and they begin to pay off in a big way. You are enjoying your new job or your business takes a turn for the better, for example.

About the Author

This piece was written by Dr. Dennis O'Grady, “The Change Game”, Bottom Line-Personal, 7/15/94, pp.9,10.

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Our Most Common Fears

Allison Van Dusen

Forbes.com 12/14/06

We all like to think we're unique. But when it comes to our fears, we're anything but.

Snakes, spiders and heights are all it takes to send many of us cowering in the corner. Public speaking might as well be called public sweating.

Some fears are just universal, but they don’t have to be misunderstood. Most are evolutionary, experts say, and develop as a response to situations thought to cause harm, such as a poisonous bite, or, in the case of a closed space, those that make us vulnerable to a predator. And if they aren't innate, we can easily pick them up from our parents or by watching a frightening experience, such as a near-drowning.

"They all have some potential threat of danger," says Jerilyn Ross, president and CEO of the national nonprofit organization the AnxietyDisorders Association of America. "The higher the person's perceived threat of danger, the more frightened the person will be."

In Pictures: The Nine Most Common Fears

Fortunately, for the majority of the population, these responses are normal and oftentimes useful.

Children, for instance, may retreat from a high ledge because they sense they could get hurt. Fear of public speaking, which can bring even the toughest prosecutor to his knees, stems from the concern that he'll be judged and seen as inadequate, unattractive and dumb. As a result, he may spend more time preparing to make sure his presentation goes smoothly.

But others, who experience irrational or excessive reactions to feared objects or situations known as phobias, deal with an entirely different brand of dread.

Ross herself once had a phobia of heights, which for years wouldn't allow her to go above the 10th floor of her workplace, despite the fact that she was an avid skier. Phobias, she says, can come out of the blue. A person may have a panic attack while driving across a bridge, suddenly feeling an overwhelming sense of impending doom, rapid heart beats, the sweats, trembling and chest pain. The fear of another attack can make him or her go to great lengths to steer clear of bridges, or whatever circumstance triggered the reaction in the first place.

According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of America, 19 million people have specific phobias, such as crossing bridges or tunnels; 15 million have a social phobia, e.g., public speaking; and 2 million have agoraphobia, when sufferers avoid places where they previously had a panic attack. Those who have one phobia likely have others too.

The bad news is that more of us are experiencing these kinds of anxiety disorders, says Robert Leahy, president of the International Association for Cognitive Psychotherapy and director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy. In his upcoming book tentatively titled Anxiety Free, Leahy discusses how we came to live in the "age of anxiety." The average child today, he says, has the same level of anxiety as the average psychiatric patient in the 1950s.

Much of the rise in anxiety is related to people feeling their connections with others are less stable--there's been an increase in divorce, fewer people are getting married and they're less engaged in their churches, synagogues and local institutions such as the PTA. Surveys show that while many Americans' lives are improving in every material way, their expectations for happiness are also rising and they feel less satisfied. Acts of terrorism, despite the low odds of actually being affected by one, have made walking through airport security and riding the subway in a major city more stressful.

But don't get too depressed. According to experts, major anxiety problems are treatable.

For phobias, that primarily means cognitive behavioral therapy. It involves helping people face their fears and overcome them, says Dr. Brian Doyle, clinical professor of psychiatry and of family and community medicine at GeorgetownUniversityMedicalSchool. By confronting the feared object or situation in a gradual way, people learn to control their reactions. Because certain situations are difficult to access or recreate, some psychologists are even using virtual reality as an aid.

Doyle, who often works collaboratively with psychologists to treat patients, says there are a few different groups of medications, such as beta-blockers, benzodiazepines and SSRIs that can calm the body or provide short-term relief of anxiety too.

Though not a cure, therapy can help people live normal lives again. But It isn't easy, says Barbara Rothbaum, a professor in psychiatry and director of the Trauma and Anxiety Recovery Program at the Emory University School of Medicine.

"Being scared of something,” she says, “and doing it anyway to get over it--[that] takes courage.”

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The Top 10 Fears that Stop Us from Having the Relationship We Want

Originally Submitted on 12/3/99.

Everyone wants healthy, satisfying, mutually generous and regenerating relationships. Yet, many express amazement when they see others who have created one, because they haven't been able to do it. People seldom want to look at the "fears" that run them and their actions when dealing with their relationships. I've identified what I believe to be the ten most common fears that stop people from having the kind of relationships they want. Usually these fears originate from a person's developmental experiences and the resulting sense of themselves, combined with a relationship history that is patterned from those experiences.

1. It is inevitable that the relationship will end painfully.

Perhaps the relationship will end... when that happens some pain is probably inevitable. It is the idea of the inevitability of the end that needs to be addressed. To confront the fear of the future, or the past, it is important to remain in the present. Avoid talking about past experiences too much. Try not to over-anticipate where the relationship is going. By staying in the present, you give the relationship the greatest opportunity to evolve according to its own path. In addition, by staying in the present, you give yourself the opportunity to recognize and process intuitive signals about the relationship that may help to avoid additional hurt in the long run.

2. Nobody can ever really understand me.

Try to think of the psycho-emotional life of human beings as being made up of a deck of cards. There are only 52 cards in the deck and in any given round you may be dealt some combination of the 52. But everyone is playing with the same deck. Try to communicate what you are experiencing through the use of metaphor.... sometimes this is the best way to get others to connect with who we are and what we feel. Start off in a private journal perhaps, then graduate to close friends and associates... until you begin to become comfortable and feel visible.

3. I won't be able to maintain the energy a good relationship requires.

Establishing and maintaining a healthy, satisfying relationship does require work, and the definition of work implies the expenditure of energy (remember high school physics). However, energy is a tricky notion and we often don't give ourselves credit for just how capable we all are at creating it. A while back, I attended a seminar in which the facilitator insisted that energy was a choice. He insisted that if a million dollars were at stake, we would all find the energy to do what was necessary to get the money. Theoretically, I understood. Well, it was my turn to be one of the group leaders at another seminar; I finally understood what he meant. When I least felt I could go on, I found the energy to serve my team beyond what I thought was possible. I learned, then and there, that I was more capable of doing whatever it takes than I ever believed. Of course, a healthy relationship is supposed to provide you, from time to time, with the space to relax from the stresses of life. Be willing to ask for the space you need to regenerate (occasionally - don't take advantage). If your partner is not willing to give you that space, perhaps there are other issues at play.

4. I'll have to give up too much of myself.

Each individual has the power to set the boundaries for his/her life. If you have difficulty establishing firm boundaries for your "self" - you need to work on that with a coach or, perhaps even, a therapist. Be incredibly selfish. By exercising extreme self-care, you will be able to bring more of your authentic self into the relationship; the result will take the relationship to incredibly new levels.

5. He/she will eventually see the "real" me and reject me.

Human beings are multi-faceted; the falsehood is that the social self we present is not the authentic self.... it is!! It is a part of who we are. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses; everyone has a "shadow" (as Carl Jung defined it). Embrace all aspects of you. Until you are willing to accept the potential dark side of who you are, you are blocked from being able to fully actualize the self. All aspects of who you are to the world are part of the whole you!

6. He/she won't understand my physical needs and desires.

There are plenty of sex therapists out there who will give advice on how to introduce requests for unusual sex play.... this topic is not merely about that area of physical relationships. Human sexuality is critical to our existence. No one should deny or avoid addressing what they want or need to satisfy this area of their lives. Again, it is important to share and to be open to a partner's sharing... free of judgment. Through open communication, we can learn whether or not we are compatible with our partners. The sooner we discover this, the more able we are to successfully negotiate and invest in a relationship that is fully satisfying.

7. He/she will discover "this area" of my life where I am weak and will judge me entirely on that.

Risky, yes, but necessary. We must show a certain amount of vulnerability and trust that the person we've chosen authentically loves and cares for us, in spite of potential flaws. However, we cannot control other people's responses. The best thing to do is to allow our partners to see who we are (over time) and learn whether or not they are worthy of our trust. But fearing their response doesn't serve our own long term interest. If they judge us, we don't want them... if they don't, hiding from them only breeds mistrust.

8. Nobody is entirely honest and trustworthy; so, I can't trust him/her.

Some people are neither honest, nor worthy of our trust. This is a good reason to stay present and in touch with our intuition. Assuming that you can't trust anybody indicates the issue is more related to earlier life issues. In order to have an incredible relationship, it is necessary to allow yourself to be vulnerable...not to the point of potential danger, and not fully vulnerable immediately. Again, stay present and listen to your intuitive responses.

9. He/she is trying to get something from me.

First, ask yourself if your partner has actually done anything to indicate this, or if you have the tendency to enter into relationships with this mindset. Remember, you are always in control and able to set the boundaries of what you are willing to give. Be fully responsible for what you freely give to people.... you won't feel taken advantage of as easily. Also, relationships are about giving and getting.... you don't need to worry that you will run out of yourself... there is always more of YOU! If you are willing to "give" yourself... then no one has the opportunity to "take" from you.

10. If I let him/her know how much I love him/her, they will interpret it as "need," get scared and leave.

Sometimes, it is not necessary to report to your partner the full extent of every feeling you experience. The beauty and the value of experiencing ourselves in relationship with another human being is just that.... experiencing ourselves. Often there is great value in contemplating our own ability to experience the capacity to love and relate. Practice enjoying your own ability to relate and eventually you'll feel comfortable communicating your experience without fear of how the other person may respond. Which, by the way, is quite out of your control anyway.

About the Author

This piece was written by Virginia L. Walz, Life Coach, who can be reached at vlwalz@empoweredforsuccess.com, or visited on the web. Virginia L. Walz wants you to know: I coach clients who are seeking health, balance, joyful living and incredible relationships.

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